Wow it has been awhile.

Well hello everyone.
Since a friend mentioned that she was going to be looking at blogs today it encouraged me to do at least a quick update. 

It has been over a year as I always forget to take the time to put my random thoughts on paper. So very much has happened since I've been here last. My friend, Pastor and boos of the last 5 years has retired. A new younger model has taken his place. Still adjusting to this one but it is all good. 

I am thoroughly enjoying my special friend referenced in my last post or two. In my opinion thing s are better than ever. There are those in my life that don't approve of the relationship and the good thing is they don't need to. Many changes in store for the next phase that will take about a year to complete. The above picture was part of his Christmas present in 2011. Took over 200 shots to get 12 or so that I really liked. Remind me next time to do this when it is above 40 degrees out. 

Still on my weight loss journey. Had my 3 year surgery anniversary back in November and am holding steady at 152 pounds lost. I do need to get back on the exercise bandwagon. It is so east to skip one day then the next. For overall health I MUST get back to basics. 

On the crafting front I am still shy about trying to make an article of clothing for myself. I have the yarn and the hooks but lack not the ability, but the confidence to try. One day I will just say screw it and start a project. There is a skirt and a sweater that I really want and eventually will have. Still enjoy making shawls, scarves, hats and fingerless mitts. 

Love cooking and baking. Thanks to the wonderful fb posts from a friend I am branching out and trying many new things. Some days the experiments work, others not fit for random passing wildlife. It is quite fun to try though. 

Trying to learn that pleasing oneself is not a bad thing and can actually be good for you. Difficult to overcome many years of training to please everyone else first is not easy. Some day I will find the balance needed. 

Well, that is enough for now. Will TRY to update more than once a year. 

Sheila

Fear, good or bad?

Fear is a big part of our lives. More I think than we like to acknowledge.
Most of the time it is easier to see and accept fears in others than in ourselves.
One of my biggest fears is not to be needed.
Because of this I tend to stray toward people that need help. Or at least in my perception need help. This is not always a good thing.

The gentleman I have been spending time with for awhile now has large amounts of fear in his life. Fear of body image, fear that he is not good enough, fear that people only want something from him, fear that if he spends too much time around people they won't like him anymore. All fears I can understand yet it hurts to see. We have a nice 3 day weekend planned and he made the comment to me "What if you can't stand me after only a day?" He forgot about hte reverse of that. What if he can't stand me after a day. I think two people with similar fears spending time in close quarters will be a good thing. It just might reveal if the feelings are real or percieved. Only time will tell.

Sometimes fear can be a good thing. It helps us stay out of dangerous situations. It can protect us from getting hurt if we listen. It can heighten our awareness of things going on around us. Overcoming emotional fear is difficult but necessary in order to grow at least for me. Small steps that might take a lot longer than we wish are sometimes what is needed.

Hmm what to do when choices are not easy

Choises.... they are a good thing so I am told.
Funny how sometimes they are not as easy as we would like to see.

Since losing over 150 pounds it still amazes me that I am treated differently by people. Because I am still the same person inside that I always was it makes me wonder if the people are interested in the outside only or who I really am.

I have a special friend that I have been spending time with since October.
He has helped me overcome some of my body image issues.
He says he cares yet frequently his actions do not match his words.
After several talks about why this is I do understand, but it does not make it any easier to deal with some days. How long do I allow for those baby steps to be taken? I know that I can be intense in how I show feelings to people and that it can overwhelm those that are not in the same place I am. Do I hold back or do I just be me? There is a button I saw that says "Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about." Well, I have yet to go a day without thinking about this person yet there are times when it is painfull to do so. Again, how long before I have to protect me instead fo protecting the other person?

Now comes the other issue.
Another individual wants to spend time with me and become a friend.
I have no problems with that, as one can not have too many friends.
The issue is they have made it clear already that they are interested to see if it could become more. They want to take me out places and have me meet people they know. There is alot in commen and it is almost like talking with someone I have known for years instead of weeks. They are facign the same surgery that I have gone through and have some of the same body image issues I had and still have. I know I can be a support, but don't want to encourage when there is not really a chance for it to progress. How or do I enjoy the friendship when it could become complicated?

CHOISES ARE NOT ALWAYS EASY.

Here I am again......

Hi all. I wanted to post a picture of the newest tattoo even though it is now well over a month old. I still have 1 more that I want but am still saving up the pennies for it. Once it is done then my set of four that I have always wanted will be complete. Makes me happy to be so close to that goal.

On the job front I now have 2 of them. The newest one is at an airport taking peoples money for parking. Not difficult at all, but not exactly stimulating either. I have met some great people already and have started picking out regulars. I have 2 goals for this job. Well 3 actually. First is to get a gentleman tht rarely smiles to smile on a regular basis, 2nd is to relax and let the paperwork mojo come back to me, and 3rd is to bank 75% of the money I earn for emergencies. Not bad goals in my opinion.

On the crafting front I have hit a wall. I have 1 shawl and 1 blanket to work on and NO motivation to finish either one. I guess I am a cool weather crafter after all. I mena who really wants wool or worse acrylic piled on top of them when it is warm out? I also find myself wanting to become a selfish crafter. I want to make things for me, me and oh yeah me. I can appreciate the hard work that goes into the items because I made them. One is never sure if others do or not. I have been stockpileing some special yarn for a big project and now am just waitong for the right inspiration to hit. I hope it is soon.

On the homefront things are slightly better. I received an extension of when I need to be out of the house by almost 3 weeks. That is a huge relief since I have no time to pack. I also want time to deep clean my room and at least one other before I go. I want to be able to show that I can be nice even if others are not.....

Leaving for Pennsylvania tomorrow afternoon. I am both looking forward and dreading it. I have to locate housing and a job while there if I am to move back. I als have some unresolved issues with family members to deal with. I do not want to move unless I can move straight into an apartment of my own instead of in with a friend while I look. I hate moving to begin with so why do it twice?

Well, that is about all for now. Will update again when I think of it.

Sheila

P.S. Here is a picture of the final tattoo I want. My finished product will have a few modifications of course to make it mine. I had to put the picture at the top since I can't figure out how to put ti at the bottom yet.

Sleep Who Needs It ?

The answer to that one would most likely be me.
Construction on and near our street for the past few weeks.
I don't mind the beeping and the rumbling of hte machienes, but the not parking in my own driveway, that is annoying.
They sent us a notice sayign for 2 days we would have to park elsewhere.
That has now turned into a week of getting up at 5:45am so that I can move my car before they start for the day. I DO NOT like the idea of parking it where I can't see it all night.
Now it will be at least the end of the week before we can park at home again.
If it rains that delays it even more. Guess what, rain is on the horizon. YEAH!!!
In case you can't tell, lack of sleep makes me grumpy.

On the home front, doo doo head poopy face aka bob is pushing my buttons.
As a matter of fact he has invented a few new one to push.
One day really soon I am going to push back then LOOK OUT!!
He will not know what hit him.
It is all good if he wants to change the rules,b ut if I do then the answer is always no.
Makes me tempted to cook nothign but eggs and tuna for a week.
He is mildly alergic to both. ;-)

On the crafting friont I finished one prayer shawl and mailed it out.
I have another that I am kind of stalled on.
I know why I am stalled on it. It is the one I started while in FL.
I find it difficult to work on it knowing I was praying for Tom when I started it.
I will finish it and have plans to send it to another cancer patient to have.
There is no way I could keep this one. Too many emmmotions attached to it.

On the weight and exercise front I have broken my plateau.
I am back to the gym 3 days a week. I still want to get back to evcery other day and am working on it a little at a time. The weight is slowly starting to come off again.
I need to concentrate on the details to make it happen.
Small healthy meals and good choices for snacks.

Well, thats wnough for now. Will write more in a few days.
Sheila

addictions come in many different styles

Now, we all know that food is an issue for me.

I have always fallen into the live to eat not eat to live category.

After the surgery it really is not any different except now I am choosy about the food.

Only because I know there is only going to be a small bit and it HAS to be good for me.

My other addiction is yarn.

Especially yarn that people tell me is hard to get or expensive.

It becomes a challenge to acquire this yarn and then for the most part it sits.

I hate that it is the owning and not the using that sucks me in.

That being said here is a picture of my newest yarns.

They came all the way from Germany.

Well if I can figure out how to beat any of these addictions I will share.

Till later.

Sheila

Quick Update

Wow what a couple of weeks. I was stuck in weight loss heck on a plateau that I just couldn't break. The good news is I finally broke through and am going in the right direction once again. The insane heat we have been experiencing has helped with my water intake. It also helps with food choices since who wants heavy meals when they are already hot and sticky?

Exercise has been so so. I do go to the gym but not as often as I should. I never miss a Tuesday spin class but need to get my mojo back in that area. It does help that we are now playing volley ball every Tuesday evenign from 7 - 9pm. It is great exercise and even better fun.

I did it, I did it. I finally got the second tattoo that I have been wanting. It is a nice little Koi fish. Now I have one overtop of each part of my chest. Even though I know it will be awhile I am already planning the next one I want. Most probably on my right calf. I am thinking a nice free flowing branch with blossoms on it. That one will be my Earth tattoo. The one after that will be a styalized Phoneix to represent fire. Once that one is finished I will have one each for air, water, earth and fire. I think that will be all, but one never knows what the future brings.

My crafting has picked up a little bit. There are several new designs I want to try out and I will this time. I am learning to work with thinner yarn and smaller hooks. I even treated myself to some recycled cashmere yarn in a beautiful rasberry color. So soft, and so pretty. That will be saved for a very special project I have in mind. Now I just need some in black to compliment the berry. Maybe I should write to the person i bought it from and ask that she keep me in mind in case she comes across any.

I have been playing around with the idea of sharing this blog with some friends online. I know I can trust them to see me in all my weakness and still like me for me. They have been a big part of many of these journeys anyway so I should share with them.

Well, I have rattled on for longer than planned so I will close for now and come back again soon.